I Tell My Husband How He Should "Lead"

“I want you to lead... but I want to tell you how!” 

I heard these words come out of my mouth after a lengthy, and rather loud, discussion with my husband.

I have always thought the idea of my husband being the leader a good one. After all, it’s God’s plan for marriage. And in theory, having one leader is usually less complicated. I have even tooted the message myself to other women... but when it comes to living it out in my own home, in my own marriage, it’s just hard. And more often than not, I’m hardly living out my role as a wife the way God planned it.

I have discovered, after many discussions, arguments, disappointments, and un-met expectations, that I actually want to be the leader of our home, I just don’t want to be accountable or responsible for everybody in the end, so I keep saying that he must lead, just please do it the way I think you should. If my marriage was actually modeled after God’s plan, I would willingly come under the leadership of my husband who is ultimately responsible for our family. And by coming under his leadership, I have to actually respect God’s plan.

What would I not be doing in a model like this?

I wouldn’t be trying to manipulate the way he parents our children, by sending him hints about discipline, or even just straight out telling him how.

I wouldn't be waiting for him to earn my respect.

I wouldn’t be constantly questioning his walk with the Lord, and thinking he doesn’t read his Bible enough, (however much "enough" is... I’m not even certain.)

I wouldn’t be disappointed when he makes a difficult decision. Because, isn’t he supposed to be making decisions around here?

I wouldn’t be playing the comparison game. Or better named, the comparison SIN! Comparing him and our family with others around me, and finding myself discontented, or thinking about all of the areas we could be improving on and sharing them with him.

I wouldn’t be worrying about our financial future, because that’s his area as the leader.

I wouldn’t be nagging him to take a day off from work. Rather, I would be his biggest cheerleader, encouraging him to take pride in his work, and to do the best job he can.

I wouldn’t tune out his ideas because I find it difficult to be interested in all things mechanical – but I would actually try to understand what he’s talking about.

If being under the leadership of your husband sounds less than glamorous, or second best, or less-important to you somehow, or downright old-fashioned... check out the huge task we ladies have in front of us as wives:

We have been called to create a haven for our husbands to come home to. This one area encompasses so much diligence, commitment, and hard work. From clean clothes, clean toilets, cozy home decor, to well-balanced meals, all purchased and prepared within his income limits can be a pretty major undertaking, not to mention an incredibly time-consuming task.

If we are staying at home with our children, we are spending more time with his children than he is. He must trust us with their upbringing, discipline, and emotional/educational/spiritual needs. Eeeek! Us moms are the main influence in our kids lives. That could be a scary thought.

We are called to support his decisions as the leader.

To earn his trust, to become his closest confidante. If we do this wisely and with discernment, he will ask us what we think when he has a big choice to make, because he trusts our judgement.

We are called to be his best friend. A close companion. A person to enjoy life with. To laugh at his jokes, not mind the occasional teasing session, and just be in good humor with him.

We are called to be sober minded—to use common sense. To use our best judgement and skills to run our homes smoothly and in an organized way. This is huge!

To love our husbands. And this, for the man, translates as respect. Not balking his ideas. Not telling him how he could have done that better. Or worse, what a crappy job he ended up doing! To him, or any of our friends or moms. Yikes.

To find our life in his. To recognize that we have been called to be his helper. Not just a co-habitant of his who maybe competing for the next promotion or the next rung on the “success” ladder wherever. But to find our purpose within his purpose.

To be ministers to our husbands by being discreet and courteous, gracious, modest. He may be facing a very dark and sinful world out there in his workplace. His home shouldn’t be an extension of that dark world, if we are living for the Lord.

I hope we are all convinced (by the Holy Spirit) that being a wife, biblically speaking, is no second-class citizen, or less-important role. This is a huge calling, and hardly less important or menial. However menial it may seem on days when the laundry pile, is still a mountain at the end of the day, or the children are still testing us on the same issues they were last week. We have a high calling. Why do we keep shoving it to the side and competing for the role of leader? Because we sin. We want the control, just like Eve believed the serpent and didn’t trust that God actually did have their best interest in mind. She took matters into her own hands, and made a devastating choice outside of her jurisdiction.

I haven’t even come close to living this out the way I see our role as wives in Scripture. In my heart and mind, marriage is a daily laying down our lives for the other person. Just as husbands have been called to love their wives, even to death, as Christ did for the church, women are called to live in submissive obedience.

Lord Help Us.

To Sacrifice, To Yield, to be Blessed

Thinking about sacrificing; the giving up of something; laying down; yielding to.

For me, some sacrifices with living abroad, include:

• Precious time with extended family, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.
• Spending people’s last days together. 
• Caring and supporting each other side by side during difficulties. 
• Some opportunities for the kids. 
• Long-term relationships. 

But, really no matter where we are, we are called to lead sacrificial lives. And I would be foolish to think it would be easier somehow, or less-sacrificial if we moved back to Canada where the rest of our family remains. The Lord would ask me to sacrifice in another way. Not because He is hard, cruel, or unfair. But because He wants my whole heart.

If we are truly seeking after living for Jesus, and laying down our lives for him, then it doesn’t matter where we live. We are going to experience trials and difficulties that may translate as sacrifice.

We have a choice.

Either face it with willingness and joy and thanksgiving, knowing we are serving the King of kings. Or with resentment and self-pity, and not fully experiencing the blessings sacrifice brings.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33b

God wants me to have a kingdom perspective. This theme has been replaying over and over again in my heart ever since I moved away from everything familiar two years ago. One of my friends back home contributed a short article to a blog recently. And she basically wrote about how her mom told her that she could do anything for a period of time. That period of time may differ according to the task, but the truth is, everything that we face on earth is temporal and has an end: I was blessed by her message.

Receiving news about something alarming, scary, or uncertain, is difficult. And never easy. On one hand, I don’t believe the Bible calls us to minimize the effect these things can have on our emotions. Grief and sadness and fear are a reality of what we face on earth. Jesus knows our emotions.

But on the other hand, allowing our circumstances to cripple our service is wrong.

“Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5: 16-18

Resting in the fact that everything is seasonal, everything is temporal, gives me hope to face tomorrow. It gives me the motivation I need to stop valuing everything on this earth in my life as all there is. I am a small part of a much bigger picture. Let the blessings flow.

Chocolate Pudding - With a Secret Ingredient

I don't think this chocolate pudding is going to be as shocking to some as it used to be. It seems to be becoming more and more popular online since I first tried making it over a year ago, (which was a complete thumbs down with my family, and with me too).

This is my new version, and it was definitely a thumbs up this go around!

In a food processor, or blender combine:
2 lg Avocados, or if you live in Africa 1 should be enough
1 Banana
6 TB Cocoa Powder
5 TB Golden Syrup or Maple Syrup
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
1/4 Cup Milk or Yogurt
Pinch of Salt

Process until completely smooth and then chill in a covered container. This pudding must be consumed cold!

Be A Learner

As we prepared to move overseas, lots of people gave us lots of different kinds of advice.

Be a learner.

If I could offer any advice to anybody coming here, it is this: approach each situation as a learner. “But what if I’ve come to teach? To train? To “help?” When you cross cultural boundaries, maintaining the idea that the systems and ways of doing things you’re accustomed to are correct, better or superior, typical, normal, or standard, might send you into a pit of frustration more often than not. Approaching each situation in a posture ready to learn has been such helpful advice for us. When finding myself deeply frustrated, hurt or just discouraged, usually it stems back to my expectations not being met, or something not being done according to my normal.

Be a learner.

Crossing cultural barriers is only one area in which being a learner is essential.

We need to be learners in our own homes. Firstly, we must become students of the Word. If we’re not instructing our hearts with God’s Word, where are we getting our instruction? Secondly, be a student of your spouse (if you’re married). Wives tend to hop onto this mission to improve or change their husband, and it’s so disdainful. Perhaps a topic for another day. But how would your relationship change if you set out on a mission to learn how you could really help your spouse, and spur them on in their pursuits? Set out to learn what makes them happy, anxious, discouraged, motivated, loved? Learn! And please don’t learn these things while thinking you should change him. Don’t be your husband’s Holy Spirit.

I am learning the importance of becoming a student of my own children. As much as God has entrusted me to teach them, I also must learn about them. Learn their special God-given personalities, interests, and how they respond to different things. As an effective teacher, I must learn about how they learn. I find myself becoming frustrated when they aren’t understanding things the way I expect them to. Parenting is a huge uphill journey, with countless unknown things along the way.

Above all – being a learner humbles us. Learners recognize they don’t have all of the answers. Learners recognize they don’t know everything. If we find ourselves thinking we do, we have created our own gods. But as long as we remain desiring to learn, our hearts remain open for divine interventions. And isn’t that what we all need?

And Now She's 7

My oldest is 7. And there are so many things about her I'm thankful for! If I had to choose a word to describe her, it would be enthusiastic. This one reminds me how exciting and beautiful and fun life is, and I'm so thankful for her pep in life. As an oldest child, her natural take-charge attitude is a blessing to me. Her creative mind thinks up ways to create something from nothing, and she can get anybody excited about it too.

Each day she is learning selflessness more and more, as she helps me, and lays down her own desires for her younger brothers and sister.

She gets on board with my creative child-training methods even though it will effect her also. ;)

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl. I'm looking forward to many many more!

Slow Cooker Brown Beans

Beans
4 Cups Dry White Beans / Navy Beans
8 Cups Water

Combine water and beans in a large slow cooker and cook on low for about 6 hours, until beans are tender but not quite cooked, definitely not soft.

If there is a lot of liquid left and you feel your beans are tender, remove some some of the water before adding the sauce.

Sauce
In another bowl combine the following ingredients and then add to the slow cooker and mix well with beans:
1/2 Cup Ketchup
2/3 Cup Brown Sugar
4 Tbsp Molasses
1/2 tsp Salt
1 tsp Mustard
Dash of onion salt
Pepper

Cook for an additional few hours on low to combine flavors. When finish, the beans should be even more tender, but not mushy. I like there to be a bit of a bite to them, so when I use them in other recipes, such as chili or soup, and undergo an additional cooking process, they don't completely go to mush.

A Necessary Break

I was somewhat forced to take a break from the blog this month. Our internet in Madagascar was becoming so sporadic, and when it was working, I could hardly log in to certain websites.

Now it is working, and even better than before! PTL.

But, in during these time of "forced" offline-ness, I also came to realize a huge need for me to be with my children more. I know, as if homeschooling them wasn't enough time with them, right? :)

I have been a distracted and lazy mama over the past several months, and taking a break from the blog has been a blessing in disguise. It has given me some time to also practice what I preach. Which is super humbling and challenging.

Posts may continue to be sporadic as we find our way in this crucial period of child-training and discipline. But 'tis the season!